05 · Short lines get an emotion beat

Source: The One in the Chair, ch01, ¶8–9. Taught by the author, who liked the fix from case 02.

"You want to appeal it?"

"Can I?" He sat up a little.

Why it works: on its own, "Can I?" is two words with no feeling attached. The voice can't tell whether he's hopeful, scared or sarcastic, and a listener can't see his face. "He sat up a little" shows hope through the body in five words. It also gives the question something after it, so it no longer ends flat (case 01).

Rule (speech-flow, also added to writing-for-the-ear): a line of dialogue of one or two short sentences, standing alone, gets a beat that shows the emotion: a small physical action, not "he said hopefully". Pace it in fast exchanges (about every second or third line), and skip it for letters, stamps and signs.

Scanner: bare short line (add an emotion beat) flags any quoted line of six words or fewer with nothing else in its paragraph. On the whole book it found 37. Many sit in fast exchanges where not every line needs a beat, so the speech-flow pass on each chapter decides which ones get one.

"It's not bad. Most people would take teapot." She finally looked up at him and allowed herself the smallest flicker of the thing that passed for kindness in this job — not softness exactly, but attention. "You want to appeal it?"

"Can I?"

"It's not bad. Most people would take teapot." She finally looked up at him and allowed herself the smallest flicker of the thing that passed for kindness in this job — not softness exactly, but attention. "You want to appeal it?"

"Can I?" He sat up a little.